


Takes No Time to Fall Back Down

by sidekikcs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, can you tell who my favorite marvel actors are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-19 21:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5981343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidekikcs/pseuds/sidekikcs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian gets too low to stop himself, and there's only two people in the world that can bring him back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Takes No Time to Fall Back Down

**Author's Note:**

> Been gone for a minute, now I'm back! With more Chris/Seb/Hayley! 
> 
> I figure that I'll need to write a Hayley-centric fic next, as this one is Seb-centric and my first in the Chris/Seb/Hayley series was about Chris. 
> 
> Mind the warnings please! Suicidal thoughts/tendencies lie ahead, so blanket trigger warning! Happy ending though!

The night started with a text.

Chris was too busy to answer it at first. A thousand interviews were coming his way, his phone wasn't even  _on_ him, and when he finally checked it at nearly ten, it'd been three hours since it was sent and he felt his stomach drop out of his body. 

 _I'm sorry_.

It's from Sebastian, who had been eerily quiet and off-kilter the past few weeks. A million thoughts went through Chris' mind, ranging from the absolute best scenario (Sebastian didn't let the dogs out in time and they peed on the carpet), to the absolute worst (which Chris didn't want to think about). 

Chris responded with,  _For what?,_ and hit 'send', praying for a response. He went back to his list of recent messages and clicked on Hayley's name, asking her if she received the same text from Sebastian. Seconds after the message was sent, Chris' phone froze and his ringtone chimed through the speakers with Hayley's smiling, beautiful face on his screen. He slid the green circle across the screen

"Hey."

"Hey. You got a message too?"

"Yeah. Did you respond to him?" 

Hayley paused. "I asked him what he was sorry for and he said 'everything'." 

"What?" Chris breathed, his heart stopping in his chest. "When did you get a response?" 

"Over an hour ago. I asked him what he meant and he said he would tell me later. I'm nervous." Hayley sighed. "I don't want to think of what he might've done."

"What could he have possibly done?" Chris asked, unlocking his car and sliding into the driver's seat. "I know he's been distant lately, but I don't think he could've done anything terrible."

"I know that. But we've had this problem in the past. And with what happened the last time he said this,-"

The realization hit Chris like a train, and he dug his key into the ignition, pulling out of the parking space before his seatbelt was on. "God, no, Hayley, _no._ The last time he said something like this, he tried to-"

"He wouldn't."

"He might've."

Hayley didn't respond for a moment, and Chris blew through all the stop signs and red lights he encountered. 

"I'm heading over to your house now. Be careful, Chris, please. I don't want to lose-" Her voice stopped and squeaked, and Chris shook his head.

"Don't. Please. I'll be careful. We need to hurry."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

 

Sebastian lowered himself into the deep tub, letting himself feel the ice cold water rise above his skin. His stomach was twisting and churning, his heart was racing, his throat was burning. 

 _This is what's better. This is what he should've done a long time ago._  

 _They'll be much happier, much more relieved when I'm gone,_ he thought to himself. His note was on the bed, covered in scratches of pen and tear drops but he didn't have time to make it look nice. He told them how much they meant to him, how he could never stand to be without them, but they didn't need him to go on, they'd be fine with each other. No one needed him; he was not irreplaceable. He was lost, he was alone, Hayley and Chris were too busy for him, and they barely even spoke with each other. They'd been drifting apart for some time by then, and in that time he realized how unnecessary he was to them. To the world. 

It was a world he didn't want to see anymore. It didn't need him. The world would keep spinning, the lives of his friends would go on, his mother would move on. He wasn't special, like everyone let him believe he was. He wasn't gifted or extraordinary. He wasn't beautiful, no one would ever look at him like he's the only thing in the world that matters. He was shocked to find that Chris and Hayley cared for him at all initially. But the silence and the ignored messages told him all he needed to know. They were too busy,  _everyone_ was too busy for him. He needed to either get rid of himself, or learn to cope. And he failed at the latter.

It was the first thought he'd had when he woke up. He'd sent messages to plenty of people and they all ignored him. They either didn't care, or they were preoccupied. It didn't matter. He didn't eat anything, he pet his dogs one last time, but when they sensed he was feeling down, their ears went back and their happy expressions dropped. Sebastian hated himself for that. He took a walk outside, listening to the sounds of cars driving, the horns honking, the sirens, the chatter of people on the street. The clouds had begun to gather when he'd reached Santa Monica. He went down to the beach and stared at the ocean, how it looked so pale and lifeless against the grey sky on the horizon. The ocean breeze knocked nearly knocked him over, and when he felt the waves crash at his feet and splash halfway up his legs, he thought about just laying in the ocean and waiting for high tide to wash over him and carry him out to sea and let him die alone in the ocean, forgotten, unimportant, unnamed. 

He opened his eyes, staring at the light breaking on the surface of the water. It reminded him of watching the stars. He wanted to see them one last time, and hoped that soon he would have the pleasure of walking amongst them. His lungs were starting to burn in his chest, and his natural instinct to fight began to kick in, but his brain overpowered it.

_Stop fighting. Why bother?_

He felt his throat constricting, his stomach was ready to empty itself, and he wondered how he'd be able to vomit if his throat was closed? It would suffocate him. That might hurt. 

He gripped onto the edges of the tub and forced his back to stay pressed against the bottom of the tub.  _Stop fighting. Stop it. Stop it, you fucking idiot_.

There was blackness at the edge of his vision. The pressure in his body began to alleviate. His instinct to breathe began to fade. His body felt like bricks, slowly sinking further into darkness.

He heard nothing. Felt nothing. Saw nothing.

 _Finally_.

Then his body jolted and the cold air hit his skin and he choked on the water in his throat and lungs.

* * *

 

Chris arrived at the house first. He got out of his car and barely remembered to shut his door and lock the car. The lights were all off, save for the lights leading up to the door. Hayley pulled into the driveway as soon as Chris was opening the door, and was behind Chris in an impressively short amount of time, clicking on all the lights and calling out for Sebastian.

"Was he car in the driveway?" Hayley asked. Chris didn't response. Hayley could see his chest falling and rising as he looked in the kitchen.

"Sebastian!" Chris called out in a loud voice that scared the dogs, who had woken up from their nap on the couch. Immediately, their smallest (and newest) dog began yapping at the stairs, running up to Chris' bedroom. 

Chris and Hayley stepped into the room and saw a folded piece of paper on the bed.

Hayley whispered, " _Shit_ ," as Chris walked over to the bed and picked up the paper, unfolding it.

His fingers shook as he peeled open the paper, and he heard Hayley moving behind him, walking toward the bathroom.

Chris' eyes scanned the first few lines of the paper. He threw the paper on the bed and covered his mouth his hands, his body going numb, a bump forming in his throat, his eyes getting wetter.

"Chris!" Hayley's scream came from the bathroom. He ran into the bathroom and found Hayley kneeling at the side of the tub, tugging on an arm from a body floating in his bathtub.

 _Sebastian's_ body.

"Chris, HELP."

Chris stared at Hayley, whose face was covered in tears blackened by her mascara. She screamed at him again, and his mind went back into focus. Using all his strength, he pulled Sebastian out of the water, holding his chest up close to his ear. There was no movement, and his body was freezing. 

Then, Chris heard gasping and choking, and looked up at Sebastian, who was spitting water out of his mouth before flinging himself out of Chris' arms and over the side of the tub, emptying his stomach into the water.

Hayley was by his side in a second, rubbing his back, clinging to him and sobbing into his neck. Chris found himself not breathing, staring wide-eyed at the scene in front of him. Sebastian's head remained over the side of the tub, his arms dangling at his side, his back slowly moving up and down. Chris watched the rhythm of Sebastian's breathing, his face wet and his body rigid and numb. 

Hayley grabbed Sebastian's head and turned it to face her. She was whispering to him, clutching his shirt with one arm slung around his neck. Chris observed them dumbly, unable to move, still running through what had just taken place over the past fifteen minutes. 

Sebastian slowly lowered his head and rest it against Hayley's chest, and Chris could hear his gut-wrenching sobs, how his body became lifeless, how he  _gave_ _up_ , right there in Hayley's arms. He stopped fighting. 

 _He stopped fighting_.

The last time Sebastian had been suicidal, he didn't get close to attempting. Chris was there to help him, and when Hayley entered their relationship, the skeletons were cleaned out of their closets. Hayley knew what she was getting into. And for that, Chris was grateful for her, because if she hadn't been there, Sebastian would be laying on the floor, wet, cold, sobbing, suicidal, and Chris would have just been staring at him.

Hayley was combing her fingers through Sebastian's wet hair, holding him as he whispered something to her, and Chris slowly stood up and walked out of the room. He stared at the bed, at the note, and walked over, tossing it into the garbage can next to the bed. He walked downstairs and poured himself a glass of water, then another one for Sebastian and one more for Hayley. He was going based off muscle memory, because his mind was blank. He stared outside at his backyard, at the Los Angeles skyline, and how beautiful it looked, save for the orange hue of pollution above the Pacific Ocean. 

"Chris?" 

Chris slowly turned around. Hayley's shirt was darkened, her face was raw and her eyes were as red as her shirt used to be. Chris said nothing, simply staring at her. 

"What's wro- never mind, silly question. Will you come upstairs with me please?" Hayley asked, her voice raspy and weak, which was very unnatural to Chris. 

Chris blinked, then pointed at the glasses of water he'd poured. "I got some water for us."

Hayley smiled. "Thank you, my love." She walked over to the table and grabbed two of them, then motioned at the last one. "Could you carry that one upstairs for me?" Her smile was so sweet and warm.

Chris swallowed. "He was dead."

Hayley's smile fell.

"H-H-He was dead. His heart... his heart wasn't... it wasn't  _beating_ , I couldn't hear it beating, he was  _dead,_ I fucking lost him, he was  _gone-_ "

Hayley set the glasses of water down and walked over to Chris, wrapping her arms around him and pushing her face into his chest. She breathed unevenly against him, whispering, "I know. I know. He was gone. I know."

Chris' lip quivered, and he lowered his head, bringing his arms up and wrapped them around Hayley. "I... I could've lost him forever... I can't... can't do it..."

Hayley rubbed his back while Chris struggled to keep his tears at bay. Many of them fell, but didn't disintegrate into the sobbing mess he wanted to. 

"Let's go upstairs," Hayley said, pulling away from him. "Let's go be with him, because he's still here."

***

Sebastian was curled up under the covers with all the lights off when they came back to the room.

Sebastian was busy crashing in on himself, taking the skin of his wrist and pinching it until he felt blood, hitting himself in the face, screaming with no voice, grabbing his hair and pulling on it. _Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid-_

Hayley was the first one on the bed, slowly sliding the covered off of Sebastian and grabbing his hands and stilling them. "Stop. Sebastian, stop. 

Sebastian voice came out in a squeaky tone. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, please just leave me, I'm sorry, leave me, leave me, leave me-"

"We're not leaving." Hayley gripped his hands tight. 

Chris slowly walked to the other side of the bed and slid in, in front of Sebastian, looking at him for the first time that night. His face had a streak of red down the side, his cheeks were red, his eyes were puffy and swollen, his lips were bleeding, and his hair was tangled and shaggy. 

Sebastian curled up, ripping his hands away from Hayley. "Please,  _please_ ," he begged. "I'm not worth this, go  _away_."

Chris swallowed. "You're worth it."

Sebastian kept his head low.

Chris grabbed his arm. "I... I don't know how I can... how I can... accurately tell you how much you're worth." Sebastian kept his face hidden, but he relaxed a bit. Chris bit his lip and continued, "I can't... I can't imagine not being with you, Seb. I can't imagine not being able to see your face every day. I can't believe..." 

Sebastian didn't lift up his head, but he scooted closer to Chris, almost touching him. 

"I don't know what I'll have to do to make you aware of how much you matter, how much you mean to me  _and_ the world world, how much different and  _worse_ this planet would be without you. I don't know what I have to do to make you see that, but I don't care; I'll do it, whatever it is."

Sebastian finally grabbed Chris' chest and buried his face in it, clutching him, squeezing him so tightly Chris felt his back crack. 

Chris' arms wrapped around Sebastian's shoulders and finally, Chris let it hit him, finding Hayley's hand across the bed and pulling her in tightly as well. Chris closed his eyes, burying his face in Sebastian's hair. Hayley rubbed his arm, and he held her hand tightly. His energy was slowly slipping away, his adrenaline wasn't pumping anymore, his eyes were getting heavier, and he found himself blinking to keep himself awake.

Sebastian's chest finally rose and fell at an even rate, and Chris looked across to Hayley, whose eyes were closed. Chris didn't want be alone with his mind, but he wanted to make sure Sebastian wouldn't get up and leave and hurt himself. He forced himself to stay awake, staring across the room at his computer, string intently at the green light shining from his charger. Sebastian shifted in his sleep and Chris adjusted his arms to make sure Sebastian was comfortable. Hayley stirred, shaking her head and blinking her eyes. 

"Chris?" She asked in a whisper, trying to focus her eyes on him. He met her eyes. "Turn off the light, please, love."

Chris nodded, carefully pulling his arms away from Sebastian, who was snoring quietly, walking over to the light switch. 

"I'm gonna go downstairs." Chris turned around and looked at Hayley. "Might take a walk." 

Hayley glanced at the clock on the bedside table. "It's past midnight."

Chris stared at her and shrugged. "I'll take the dogs with me."

"You look exhausted," Hayley said. 

"I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." 

Hayley blinked. "It... You don't seem fine."

Chris took a shaky breath. "You didn't read the note, Hayley."

Hayley said nothing else.

* * *

 

Chris didn't make it far on his walk. His dogs pulled him forward down the sidewalk, where he was alone with the sky, the nearest house not for another few yards. He stared up at the moon, watching a cloud pass over it, only to be interrupted by the muffled sounds of the bass from someone's car speeding down the road. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and turned around. 

When he got back to his house, he shut the lights off in the dining and living rooms and quietly walked up the stairs. His head was full. He kept seeing Sebastian standing at the top of the stairs, looking around the house for the last time. At the pictures of the two of them on the wall of the hallway leading toward their bedroom. Sebastian checking his phone to see if anyone was responding to his calls for help, only to find silence. Sebastian thinking that it wouldn't matter to anyone if he was alive or dead. 

Chris turned away from his bedroom, still set on making sure Sebastian didn't try to do anything during the night while he thought Hayley and Chris were asleep. Chris stepped into his office and saw a pad of paper with pages torn out of it. He threw it in the garbage once he saw that it was the same kind of paper Sebastian had written his note on. He sank into his office chair, opening the laptop on the desk and clicking on Netflix. He looked at the clock, it was past one in the morning, and he figured Sebastian would wake up around six or maybe seven. He didn't know if Sebastian would want to talk about it, but he didn't think he would. He would probably want to eat, sleep, maybe shut the world out for a few days. Chris was fine with that.

Chris watched _F_ _riends_ until his eyes became too heavy to keep open, around four in the morning. He grabbed a blanket from the corner of the room and curled up on the chair, resting his head against the soft back of it. He shut his eyes, quickly succumbing to sleep. 

His eyes shot open when he heard a rustling sound almost an hour later. He first looked at the computer screen, where a pop-up window asked him if he was still watching  _Friends_. Then he saw something out of the corner of his eye, and turned to see Sebastian, curled into a ball on the floor against the wall opposite the desk. 

"Seb?" Chris groaned, shaking the sleep off him.

"I didn't want to wake you..." Sebastian's voice was soft and rough, like his throat was lined with sandpaper. "I'll leave, if you want to sleep."

"No." Chris pushed the blanket from his shoulders and laid it across his lap as he sat up straight. "I want you to stay."

Sebastian stared at him, moving his mouth as if to speak, searching for the right words without finding them. Finally he said, "I'm sorry."

Chris hesitated. "For...?"

"For... earlier." Sebastian rubbed circles on his wrist with his thumb. Chris noticed the dried spots of blood on them. "I... Just. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Chris said, shaking his head. "I'm not mad at you."

"You should be," Sebastian said, a hint of anger in his voice. "You need to be."

"Why do I need to be angry with you?" Chris asked in genuine wonder. 

"I fucking..." Sebastian began, his voice raising a bit. "I need to fuckin'... I need to feel something other than numbness."

"How would me being angry at you help that?"

"I'd get angry back at you. Then I wouldn't be so numb."

"I don't think you need to feel any other negative emotions." Chris leaned over and closed his laptop. "I don't want you to be sad or mad at anything right now."

"I'm sorry you read the note," Sebastian said off-handedly. "I heard you say that. I... I would've wanted Hayley to read it, honestly."

"Why?" Chris cocked his head slightly to the side.

Sebastian shrugged. "I wouldn't want either of you to read it, quite honestly, but if it  _had_ to be one of you to, I guess I'd want it to be Hayley."

Chris didn't respond. "I think you're in shock right now."

Sebastian finally looked up at him. "What?"

"The las time," Chris said, breathing in harshly, "the last time this... happened... you were in shock for a while. You were actually cracking jokes and laughing. And then you crashed in on yourself, remember?"

Sebastian took a moment, then nodded. "I guess I still have to... 'crash in on myself', then." Sebastian gave him a small, genuine smile. 

"Seb," Chris said, his tone darkening, "I've... I've been trying to not fall apart this whole time, despite how badly I want to. And... I really don't want to fall apart in front of you, because I doubt that would make you feel any better, and what I'm concerned about is how  _you're_ feeling."

Sebastian scooted closer. "Maybe... I need you to fall apart so I can finally feel something." Sebastian bit his lip. "I'm really scared of how I'm not feeling anything right now. It's scary. I..." Sebastian stopped. Chris didn't speak, but leaned in closer to Sebastian, who pushed himself even closer to Chris. "I saw that light, y'know how they always say there's a light? There  _is_. I saw it, Chris. And... I can fucking  _remember_ that, and it's so fucking terrifying, I can't get it out of my head and I'm so fucking  _stupid_ , why did I-" Sebastian stopped abruptly and buried his face in his hands. "Fucking hell."

Chris looked down at the ground. "I held you. When you were dead, I... I held you." Chris breathed slowly. "I could feel how cold you were and I- I don't think I'll be able to forget that for a long time." Chris blinked away the tears in his eyes. 

"I'm sorry," Sebastian said after a long pause. 

Chris wanted to tell him, again, that he didn't need to be sorry, but Sebastian wouldn't hear it, so he said, "It's okay, baby." 

Sebastian's face twitched a little. "I love it when you call me that."

"'Baby'?" 

Sebastian nodded. His lip began to tremble. "I... would've missed being called that." 

Chris closed his eyes. "I wouldn't have called anyone else that, if you hadn't come back."

Sebastian was crying softly. Chris didn't reach out to touch him, but he wanted so badly to hold him. 

"I... I don't know how to get better," Sebastian cried. "I want to, Chris, I  _want to_ , but it just seems like I can go  _months_ being just fine and being  _happy_ and then I get so low I don't think I'll ever come back from it, I'm so  _tired_ of it,-"

Chris reached out and grabbed Sebastian's hand when it rested on his knee, dropping out of the chair to his knees and crawling over to Sebastian. Sebastian pushed his face into Chris' chest and Chris cupped his head, stroking his hair, both of them feeling wave after wave with each other until Chris rolled over and rested his body against the wall, with Sebastian curling up to his chest. 

* * *

 

Hayley woke to sunbeams on her skin. She sat up and found herself alone in bed, momentarily forgetting the pervious night's events. When she remembered, she stood up quickly, calling out for Sebastian, then Chris. She left the bedroom, looking out into the hall, her eyes landing on an open door across the floor. 

She hurried over to the office, barely making it two steps into the room before she saw Chris and Sebastian curled up together on the floor. She felt relief, first, after fearing the worst, then happiness. It was going to be a long road back from this for all of them, most of all Sebastian. She was ready and she was more than willing. 

But she wasn't going to worry about that yet. She went down to the kitchen and fed the dogs and let them out, then began cooking breakfast for the three of them. She turned on the television and turned the sound low, not wanting to wake either of the men upstairs. Chris was the one to read Sebastian's note, and to hold his near-dead body before he regained consciousness. 

She'd spent the whole night keeping Sebastian from hurting himself, even having to stop him from reaching over to the scissors on the bedside table. She barely slept at all, and she was exhausted, but she'd sleep later. 

She made eggs and waffles and bacon and set aside two plates for Sebastian and Chris. She ate hers quietly, scrolling through twitter on her phone, but found herself too tired to even stand anymore. She yawned and walked over to the couch, laying across it and pulling one of the blankets over herself.

"There're too many blankets in this house," she said to herself, then let her head fall back on a pillow.

* * *

 

Sebastian woke up around eleven that day. Chris snored quietly under him, and Sebastian moved carefully, not wanting to disturb him. He could smell food in the air and slowly crept downstairs. Hayley was asleep on the couch, but there were two plates of food set out for Chris and himself. He walked to the kitchen, took a single bite of food before finding that he wasn't hungry at all, and set his plate in the microwave. 

Chris came down the stairs shortly after, quietly stepping into the kitchen where Sebastian was making coffee. It was raining outside and a low rumble of thunder made their smallest dog jump up and run upstairs. 

"Hey," Chris said softly. 

Sebastian looked over his shoulder and smiled. "Hi."

Chris came up behind him and turned him around, wrapping his arms around Sebastian. "You're beautiful."

Sebastian scoffed. "Look who's talkin'."

"I'm serious, Sebastian. You're so beautiful."

Sebastian didn't respond, but the comment made him feel warm inside. 

"You're gonna be okay, Seb," Chris whispered, pushing a kiss against his forehead. "We'll take care of you. We'll make sure you're okay."

Sebastian's chest swelled, but he forced it down.

"I'm still sorry."

"I know."

"I felt like no one cared about me."

"It's not true."

Sebastian sighed. "I know."

"I can't live without you, Sebastian."

Sebastian shook his head. "You're strong. You'd be fine. But I'm not gonna leave you any time soon."

"I'm glad to hear that, but," Chris pulled back his head and looked Sebastian in the eye, "a piece of me would die with you. I'd never been complete again. So, no, I wouldn't be fine."

Sebastian couldn't speak any more, he just laid his head on Chris' chest and leaned back against the counter, letting himself be held by Chris. And then Hayley woke up, and she held him, too, and asked him if he wanted to look into therapy yet.

"I will. I promise. But. Just. Not today. Not right now. I don't have the energy to work out a schedule."

"Okay, love," Hayley said, and brought him over to the couch, where he was cradled between Chris' and Hayley's bodies for the rest of the day, save for the shower they all took together in the guest bathroom.

* * *

 

Six months passed. Sebastian went to see a therapist every single Thursday, and didn't stop going even when he felt better. 

He had a lot of ups and downs, and eventually he had more ups than downs, and he got to a point where whenever he felt low again, he knew how to correctly deal with it. Chris and Hayley stood by him every day of the week, through his ups and downs, unconditionally, no matter where or when.

When he was at a convention promoting Civil War with Chris, he was asked the question of if he had ever had problems with anxiety or depression. That day, Sebastian told the whole world what he'd gone through, and how he would've be sitting there if it weren't for a very special group of people. 

Then he leaned over and kissed Chris on the cheek for the first time in public. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> As a person who frequently finds themselves where Sebastian is at in this lil fic, this was hard to get through. But I hope y'all enjoyed it! 
> 
> Also, I deleted my tumblr briefly but I'm back on! Send me anon hate @ chrithevanth.tumblr.com (jk pls don't)
> 
> I think I might lighten the mood and write some smut next. Or maybe another story about drag queens.


End file.
